I don't get it.

I know what I said.
I know I told myself I'd wait for you. 
I know I said I'd make a decision after seeing you, after seeing your reaction, after seeing you saw me. 
I know what I felt when we met again.
I know you didn't want me there.
I know it hurt.
I know you didn't wanna stay around.
I know you tried to keep your distance from me.
I know I understood that right away.
I know I kept mine.
I know I did all you hoped I would do.
I know I didn't talk to you, not because I didn't want to, but because I realized there was nothing there to be said anymore.
I know you knew it all.
I know I did it all according to plan.
I know I did it all well for the first time.


But what I don't know is why you came close after all.
I don't know why you asked me to take me home.
I don't know why you hugged me.
I don't know why you tried to take a picture of both of us.
I don't know why you've been ignoring me eversince.
I  don't know why you play me like a fool.
I don't know what I did to you.
I don't know why you do this to me.
I don't know why you didn't let me move on.
I don't know why I hold on to memories.
I don't know why I keep on crying when I was sure I didn't care at all.
I don't know why I care when you don't.

I don't know why I can't save myself.


I've been thinking about having a blog for quite a while now, and I couldn't think of a better time to make it all happen than this exact same moment (especially since everyone's so crazy about twenty fifteen, making wishes and crossing fingers and asking for the same things they've asked for by this time last year and which, ahemapparentlyahem, didn't come true, and all that jazz)
So yeah, hi.

...
What now?


Oh well, I guess I should make a summary of my year, right? Isn't it what everyone is doing? Meh, I'll just go with the flow. Here we go.

So I keep on hearing what a terrible year 2014 was, and how glad everyone is to see it finally coming to an end and I'm like what the hell. I don't blame years for the good/bad things that happen to me. I blame myself or no one at all, for life has its good sides and its fucking awful sides, and they can show up at any time, no matter what we do to play safe.
 That being said, I still gotta admit my twenty fourteen was a pretty rad year. I moved out, and not just as in 'moved out to another place'. I moved out of my city. I got into med school. I met new people. My relationship with my family grew stronger despite the distance. I went vegan. I feel better. I think I look healthier. As you can see, nice things did happen to me.
Some things did suck so bad though. Moving out meant leaving my so-called friends behind. And leaving people behind means they might forget you. 

Which was definitely my case. 
And it bothered me a great deal, mind you.

To my surprise, it didn't hurt at all, though. And that is what bugs me the most. I know I've lost tons of friends before, for I know I'm a weird and complicated person to deal with, but it kinda sucks to reach the point where I can look at myself and say 'hey, I lost pretty much every friend I used to have, even my best friend seems to have forgotten me and it seems I'm so used to it I honestly don't care anymore'.

People, I lost my best friend. I was almost in love with him. 

It's like we've been friends for ages and we even when I moved out he wanted to prove me wrong when I said everyone tends to forget those who're not close by, so he kept on talking to me for almost a whole year. Then he suddenly stops talking to me out of nowhere and instead of crying and wondering what I did wrong this time I told myself  'well, shit happens. Life goes on. And it's not the first time people stop talking to me anyways, so...'
No tears. No fucking second thoughts. Just a sigh to show some resignation and that was it.

I hate to admit it. I truly do. I'm not even tough/strong. I'm weak and tired and done with the fighting and the feeling and the doubting.
I don't wanna feel I'm used to be left behind though. I think I'm worth something. I deserve to be kept around, to be liked.

So yeah, this topic was something that kept me worried for quite a while, so I decided to have a talk with my mom about it and I realized I no longer 'love' people as I used to. I don't even care about them anymore. I obviously care about my family, but that's as far as my relationships go. 
I realized I got so disappointed in people I don't even have feelings towards them anymore. 
Something involuntary my heart happened to do to keep me from being torn to pieces again and again and again and again.

So yeah, that's something terrible that happened to me this year. 
Realizing I grew colder. Realizing misery likes my company. Realizing I'm lonely.
Realizing, as Murakami said, that "solitude comes in different varieties"

But as I said, I won't blame this year for that. I won't even blame myself this time. Some things are just meant to happen and we gotta accept it all as it comes. No one complains when nice things happen to them, when they're all we've been waiting for, and when they make us happy. But what if it's the other way round? Why do we even cry? I guess we want it all to be easy and uncomplicated and that's not how this world works so we'd better get our shit together and deal with it. 

Anyway, I'm not a psychologist and this was not supposed to be a post about what a piece of shit this life could be.
I just wanted to say this year is coming to an end and I learned a lot in the meantime. All I want is to rest a bit now that I'm on holidays and I hope I can keep on learning throughout 2015 as well. I hope my family does well when I'm not at around and that's it.
I'm not gonna make a toast this year and wish myself a succesfull 2015, with pretty awesome grades and some cool new doctor-wannabe-friends all that shit. I need none of that.

I'm not gonna wish for a cool new year. 
I'm a fighter.
I'm gonna fight for it 'till  I make this year my own personal bitch.

About me

About me
Book-devourer. In love with Haruki Murakami and William Shakespeare. Coffee addict. Good at listening, crappy talker. Trust issues. Med student. I can't save my life so I'll save someone else's instead. Vegan. I draw for fun. Wanderlust. I can't keep my friends by my side but I make awesome vegan pancakes. Inuyasha rocks, no matter when you read this. Somewhere I belong.